Reminder to you, Love yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.
It starts within. When you think about it, loving ourself should be the easiest thing for us as humans to do. I mean, we’re with ourself 24/7. We know our ins and outs, what makes us tick and what brings us joy…
So why is it that self love seems to come last now? Why is it so easy for us to pick apart every little bit of ourselves day in and day out?
Is it because other people do it so easily that we feel we need to jump on that bandwagon? Is it from the constant comparison we do everyday because of social media? Where did the love go? We were born into this one body, this one mind, this one life. It was not meant for us to bash and malnourish.
When you think of our bodies and mind as a seed that grows into a flower, what are the necessities to grow the flower and to keep it big and beautiful? Water, food, sunshine and warmth. We must nurture the flower and be gentle with it through the seasons to keep it blooming. As do our bodies.
The more we put ourselves down, the more opportunity we give for other people to do it as well. This then leads us into the true belief that we aren’t worthy, that we aren’t beautiful, that all the critics are right.
But honey, THEY’RE WRONG!
You love yourself. You give your self the warmth and nourishment you need. Because once you start to shine and blossom again, you’ll be amazed at what else follows. Love yourself. Be your true self. Life is much more fun when you’re happy and confident.
I challenge you:
Do something for yourself today. 
Give yourself a high-five when you get something done. 
Be kind to yourself.
You are not flawed, you’re fabulous!
xx Kelsey
I know I absolutely ignored this advice as a new mom and here I am, still ignoring it!
Cut to today, my kids go to bed and I’m dog tired…but do I go to sleep??? Ya Freaking Right! (LOL)
I feel like this advice should be taken away because when my babes were teeny tiny, I felt wrong for doing things while they were napping. The only reason I felt bad or guilty for getting stuff done around the house was because I kept hearing everyone under the damn sun, telling me to sleep when the baby sleeps. Yes, I was tired and probably should have slept, but that also mean when the baby woke up, I would be doing other things like cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, figuring out what was for dinner…all the things. When for me, it made more sense to do that while the baby was sleeping that way I could focus on them when they were awake.
Doing anything while my baby slept didn’t feel normal at that point because I was going against what other people said. I listened to the advice, didn’t agree with it, but still felt wrong in making my own choices.
This is exactly how we’ve set up motherhood. Everything we do now turns into this second-guessing game and it’s not fair. For me, cleaning the house and catching up on work (I was finishing my master’s at the time) was a priority and it was a nonnegotiable.
Some women need their house to feel tidy in order to reduce their anxiety, which means getting it cleaned while the baby is sleeping. There’s nothing wrong with that. All people are different and we shouldn’t feel obligated (especially during our motherhood journey) to listen and implement all the advice.
We as a society need to find away to stop making moms feel guilty for making a decision of their own. There isn’t anywhere that it says you HAVE to do these things when you’re a mom, but you’ll be damned if you don’t because that mom guilt & the mom shame will set in real quick and never leave. So here’s a simple shift when talking to a new mom about “sleeping when the baby sleeps.”
CHALLENGE: If you’re going to say this to a mom let’s rephrase it shall we…
TRY THIS INSTEAD: “Can I come over when (______) takes a nap to tidy up your house so you can take a nap?” Or “can I come over when (___) takes a nap so you can have some time to yourself?”
Help a new mom (and a seasoned one) feel like they are supported. Help her to start the healthy habits of self-care. Be there for her because you remember how lonely those first couple of months felt. Let’s do more supporting and LESS dictating.
To the new mama: do whatever feels right for you. If you’re able to sleep while your baby is sleeping, by all means do it! If that’s not what will make you feel at east, then don’t. As in all motherhood, you need to do whatever feels right and what’s working for you and baby. Ignore all the noise and feel comfortable with your choices.
xx Kelsey
The complexities of motherhood can easily consume our mind. All too often mother’s everywhere are feeling self-doubt and less than.
Motherhood equates to at least a two person job, that we are doing solo. We take on all of the responsibilities because it’s just written into our DNA that way.
But all of the pressure of motherhood and this notion of “perfection” get to be too much. We end up losing sight of the whole point of motherhood….being a Mom.
So be the mom you want to be. Be the fun mom. Be the strict mom. Be the weird mom. Be the mom that all of you kids love to be around. Be the mom who has a child going to Ivy League college. Be whatever mom you want to be.
But be consistent. Keep showing up for your child with whatever mother you chose to be. Be there. Be present. And KEEP GOING.
Don’t you dare give up mama! You are doing the damn thing! If you’re feeling overwhelmed (which you probably are), accept it, because honey, you are working your ASS OFF! Sit in those feelings, acknowledge them, accept them then fix that crown of yours and keep going.
You got this babe!
xx Kelsey
We can all agree that toddlers can be EXTREMELY challenging at time. Some are definitely more challenge consistently, compared to others. But hey, remember we aren’t doing the comparing game so just read on only thinking about your little babe.
When you think toddler, do you think – “terrible twos” or “threenager” ? Chances are you naturally think that way because those phrases have just been engraved into our minds. They’re super catchy and most of the time they seem extremely accurate. What I want you to do now, is try to erase that and shift your perspective with these common misconceptions. If you take a step back and really think about this, toddlers are not terrible at all & having more compassion for them is the key to helping them flourish.
It isn’t until we have our own children that we realize how enormously capable children are from such young age. As they approach 18 months old, they start to notice where we are going in the car well before they are able to recognize things along the route. If they see a giraffe in a book, they’ll go grab their giraffe stuffed animal from the toy basket.
By allowing our young children to participate in tasks around the house, or every day jobs (chores), the growing child’s brain feels a sense of accomplishment. This then boosts their self-esteem that will be greatly beneficial to them as they progress through life. Providing a young child with tasks they are capable of completing also keeps the child engaged and curious of what other skills they can acquire.
When we assume our child isn’t capable of doing something, when if fact they are, this is when you’ll see an internal struggle with your child. The internal struggle of knowing their capabilities and not being able to show them, then turns into outburst of frustration.
Picture a toddler who wants to stay at the park when it’s time to leave. They melt down. The tantrum may even last half and hour. But once they calm down (sometimes you have to step in and help), they go back to being their cheerful, curious selves – unlike us adults. We can wake up on the wrong side of the bed and be a crabby patty for the entire day.
When Responding to a child who is having a tantrum, keep in mind that they are having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Toddlers ability to move past the tantrum is how their brain develops. It is our responsibility to teach them that it’s ok to be consumed by our emotions, it’s ok to not get your way and be upset about it, but the show must go on. (ahem, life in general) Toddlers are hot and cold because this is their prime brain development for emotional regulation. They have to feel all of the big feelings and then learn how to not explode over every little thing. Keep in mind, it’s a work in progress and definitely doesn’t just stop when they turn three, or four, or five, etc.
I don’t think any toddler is malicious. If they see someone playing with a toy, they may simply think, oh i’ld like to play with that toy right now! and then take it from the other child. Or maybe they’ll do something to get a reaction (I’m going to drop this glass and see how my mom reacts) or be frustrated that something did not go their way.
But, they are never mean-spirited, or vengeful. The basics of what they are is simply impulsive – they will follow their urges, whatever they may be.
Toddlers are such a joy to be around because they are extremely direct and honest. Their authenticity is so contagious. They say exactly what they mean and they wear those great big hearts right on their sleeves.
Toddlers will point out any little thing that is curious to them. Like, if you’re on the bus and there is an elderly man in one of the seats you walk past. Your toddler might say something like “wow he’s old” and you’ll be flushed with embarrassment but your toddler thinks nothing of it.
In that same sense, it make being around toddlers very easy. They don’t play mind games, there aren’t any underlying motives and there are absolutely not politics involved.
They know how to be themselves. They don’t doubt themselves. They don’t judge others. Our world would be better if we were more of a toddler mindset.
There are many, many more misconceptions about toddlers that jade the way we parent and respond to them. If you only take these four and shift the way you are with your toddler, you’ll be better for it. I challenge you to see toddlers for the amazing beings they are. Toddlers are pure, loving, curious, feisty, honest, silly, adventurous, wild, carefree, joyful, magical little people. And don’t forget to enjoy this short period of time when you have a toddler. It may seem like it’s “taking forever” for your little babe to grow out of this stage, but it absolutely goes faster than you think.
Hug that toddler of yours today.
xx Kelsey
May you be blessed with a child who…
Defies you so you learn to release control,
With one who doesn’t listen
So you learn to tune in,
With one who procrastinates
So you learn the beauty of stillness,
With one who forgets things
So you learn to let go of attachments,
With one who is extra-sensitive
So you learn to be grounded,
With one who is inattentive,
So you learn to be focused,
With one who dares to rebel
So you learn to trust the universe,
And may you be blessed with a child
Who teaches you that it is never about them
And all about you.
As you read that, imagine all the times you saw your child behavior as a personal vendetta against you. Now read it again. We parents tend to fall into this mindset that our children are purposefully doing things to us out of spite, but in fact, it is us who are spiting our children for not releasing our own issues in order to parent our children. When we learn to step back and release our agendas and focus on the actual behavior itself, we are able to nurture the body’s natural response to situations. For instance, our toddler isn’t giving us a hard time by throwing a tantrum….they are having a hard time with their emotional control. Step back, read the situation, then step back in and empathize with your child, “I see you’re really frustrated because you can’t have that toy, can I offer you a hug?” or “wow, it looks like that made you really sad, do you want to talk about it?” By identifying what your child may be feeling takes you out of your head and into theirs.
So I challenge you, step back take a moment to get out of your head, and step back in with an agenda-less mind. Help, console, problem solve, be present. Oh and P.S. It’s not easy, so don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t master it the first couple of tries. You’ll evolve and watch how positively you child responds.
xx Kelsey
Talking to kids can come so easily. They have thoughts about everything and stories for miles. They see the world in a completely different light, and could ask enough questions to fill an afternoon.
But sometimes finding the right words for talking to kids can be really, really challenging. When choosing how to respond to the marker on the wall, or the seemingly unending why-can’t-I battle, or in simply keeping healthy communication open with kids who don’t want to talk, the words don’t seem to come so easily.
In challenging situations, our frustration and/or overwhelm seems to bubble over, clouding any cohesive sentence structure we might have put together. The pressure is on, we need to “use our words,” but all we can muster is a non-verbal utterance resembling something like a cross between a growl and a guttural sigh. I find that in these really challenging moments, it helps for parents to have a few familiar and effective phrases in our back pocket. Words that have already been carefully selected before we lost our minds.
1.“At the same time…”
Using the word “but” can complicate already tense conversations. Often seen as negating whatever came before, it can create confusion and hurt feelings. The phrase, “I love you, but…” or “I’m sorry, but…” comes off as “I love you, but not enough,” or “I’m sorry, but not really.”
Instead, use the phrase, “at the same time”. This phrase validates both what comes before and after as coexisting.
“I love you. At the same time, I can’t let you hurt other people.”I’m sorry you’re upset. At the same time, running away isn’t safe.”
2.“I need you to…/you need to…”
One of the biggest invitations for power struggles comes when we make our requests sound optional. We say things like, “Are you ready for lunch?” or “How about we get you dressed?” or “Do you want to pick up your toys?”
Those phrases are great IF we actually mean to give our child those choices. When we don’t, we need to be more clear. “You need to come to lunch, please.” “I need you to get dressed, please.” “You need to pick up your toys, please.”
3. “I see…”
“I see two children who both want the same toy.”
“I see you look very upset…”
Stating your observations as you come upon a problem helps to prevent you from placing blame or making assumptions. And that keeps everyone more open to problem-solving because you’re starting from a place of trying to understand, rather than trying to place blame.
Simply start by describing what you see in a completely nonjudgmental way. Then invite the children to help you fill in the rest.
4. “Tell me about…”
Similar to #3, the key to this phrase is not assuming. Whether you’re trying to understand what’s going on in a tiff between friends, or curious about the work going on in a painting or block structure, it’s better to ask for the child’s input rather than jump to assumptions. “Tell me about your picture…” works better than “What a lovely bear!” (especially when the bear was actually a dog.) “Tell me about what happened…” works better than jumping right in with, “I can’t believe you hit her!” (especially when the hitting was preceded by 2 hours of taunting.)
5. “I love to watch you…”
This is a great phrase to keep at the ready for every day, proactive relationship building (which always pays off when times get tough).
Simply letting a child know that you are watching them and enjoying them can go a long way in building their positive self-perception. Sometimes the best thing we can do to motivate good behavior and build good relationships is simply to notice the wonderful good that already exists.
“I love watching you play with your brothers.” “I love listening to you play the piano.” “I love to watch you build with your legos.”
It’s a simple phrase that lets a child know we notice them, while at the same time reminding us to slow down enough to be noticers.
6. “What do you think you could do..”
As experienced problem-solvers ourselves, it can be tempting to swoop right in and fix every problem. But it’s important that we give kids ownership of and practice with the problem-solving process.
“What do you think you could do to help your sister feel better?” “What do you think you could do to make things right with your friend?” “What do you think you could do to make sure everyone gets a turn?” “What do you think you could do to take care of this spill?”
Notice that children are not only invited to come up with a proposed solution, but to own it. “What do YOU think YOU could do…”
7. “How can I help…”
Similarly, there are times when a child clearly needs our help, but we want to be sure we help, not rescue. We want to offer our abilities without taking away their responsibilities. “How can I help you with this broken glass?” “How can I help you clean your room?” “How can I help you understand your homework?”
8. “what I know is…”
There are times when our kids tell us things we KNOW are not true. But when we jump to, “That’s a lie!”, they typically shut down or become defensive.
Whether it’s lying, magical thinking, or a complete misunderstanding, we can avoid an argument or an overreaction by calmly starting with what we know.
“What I know is that there were four cookies on the plate when I left.” “What I know is that toys can’t move by themselves.” “What I know is that Jesse’s mom wasn’t home today.”
9. “Help me understand..”
Similarly, inviting a child to help you understand, is less accusatory than “explain yourself”. It communicates that you don’t understand, but you WANT to.
“Help me understand how this got here.” “Help me understand what happened.”
10. “I’m sorry…”
Kids aren’t always the ones making the mistakes in these difficult situations. Sometimes our imperfections are the best starting point for important learning opportunities. When we apologize for our shortcomings, we model how to make appropriate apologies, but also teach our children that we all make mistakes. When they see us acknowledge and apologize, they learn that they can do the same. Additionally, when we repair our relationships, we make them stronger.
11. “Thank you…”
Along with all the hard situations, we have to acknowledge the great ones (or even a great sliver of a really hard day). Just like we want to know our hard work is appreciated every day, our children want to know that their effort is noticed as well.
“Thank you for packing your lunch this morning.” “Thank you for being such a respectful listener.” “Thank you for helping your sister.” Even, “Thank you for doing your jobs. I know you wanted to do other things first. (Unspoken: Because you threw a big fit beforehand.) I really appreciate you doing it even though it was hard.”
12. “I love you”
With all the words we search for, these three should come easily and frequently. With our words and with our actions, our kids should know that through thick and thin, we ALWAYS love them.
There are two truths that seem to be true in regards to child development:
Before, during and after our most challenging situations with our kids, we should convey to them that they are always safe and loved, no matter what. Love can compensate for all kinds of parenting mistakes. Even when we can’t find the right words, or when those words just don’t come out like they should. When they come from a place of love, and when that love is consistently made clear, we eventually find our way back together.
Parenting is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. There is not one way of doing it, there isn’t a manual of the right and wrong things to do. There are just suggestions of what has worked for some. These have worked for me with my five children, do they work every time? Nope. Because my children, like all children are not the same every moment of every day. Above all, patience is what I strive to have. I try to model with the best of my ability, positive and constructive communication as well as empathy. Growing up is a really hard thing to do, and I think that we as parents tend to forget that because we made it through. Have grace with your children. It’s a great big world and they’re trying to find their place in it.
xoxo
Kelsey
Mama remember: soothing, feeding, cradling, comforting your babies – IS WORK.
We often feel we have that laundry list (literally laundry) of tasks that we must finish in order to feel “accomplished” and “adequate” as mothers.
Somehow our most important job, raising our babies, has somehow become “not enough.”
That if you solely just do that throughout your day, you really didn’t do anything at all…
Sounds crazy.
But raising a child, or a few, in itself, is a job.
The house and home are just bonus work. In fact, they are at the way way bottom of the list. Like, they weren’t even in the job description… it just got thrown at you once you got the job.
So mama,
if all that you did today, and yesterday, and all of last week,
was make sure that your babies were taken care of- then you did it.
You accomplished your job.
You are adequate as a mother, whether you finished your “bonus tasks” or not.
And you are putting. in. the. WORK
xx
How many of us feel personal victimized by motherhood? Here I’m talking about the constant criticism we get day in and day out about how we aren’t doing it right, how we have to try harder, how we have to look a certain way, how our children should act, things we should and shouldn’t be doing with our kids…Let’s cut to the chase, the list is endless.
Now let’s think of how many times we as moms actually ask for help…..(crickets) don’t worry I’ll wait…
For so long, “asking for help” has been deemed a sign of weakness, for men, for women, for children; there’s such a negative connotation attached to it. Look where that’s gotten us, suicide rates have increased steadily over the last five years. Why?
Say it with me: “asking for help does not mean you are a failure”
Let that sink in a for a minute…
Now let’s chat. The “job” of a mother is absolutely endless (and a father’s too but we’ll let the gents talk about that), however, it’s not honored that way. It’s looked at like a “given” like that was our only purpose on this earth, was to have babies and just deal. Ok, so what if that were true…the world has CHANGED so much since day one. But it doesn’t seem like society has accepted that. We as mother’s are expected to do all of the mother duties plus all these other “duties” that are bestowed on women now. It’s ridiculous, oh and did I forget to mention, we aren’t allowed to complain about it.
Pardon me while I go scream into a pillow. We have to put an end to this. We have to be more vocal about the challenges women face with motherhood, we have to be more present with mental help awareness, we have to do better!
Mama, if you are too afraid to ask for help because you feel failure attached to it, DON’T BE AFRAID! Ask for help, those who love you, support you, and want to see you succeed are there for you. If someone offers to help you before you ask for help, take it! A genuine person will not offer to help if they truly don’t mean it.
Start talking about your challenges mama, no more suffering in silence. The more you talk about what is challenging you as a mom, or how your children are challenging you, etc. the more “help” you may get from others, but also the less weight you will be carrying on your shoulders because you think “ I need to figure this out on my own, everyone else seems to figure it out.” Stop comparing and start talking & asking for help.
I see you mama.
I am always available to talk, offer advice, be an ear for you to vent to, have your back, support you in anyway, be a friend, be someone you can confide your deepest secrets to, whatever you need, I’m here for you. Please do not feel like you are alone in this journey. For too long I felt completely alone in my mother hood journey, and getting to that deep place of darkness was scary and it started to effect my entire life. I didn’t talk, I didn’t ask for help, I put all the pressure on myself, and it consumed me whole.
You are so worthy and you are so far from failure
If a mama is running late in the morning, just know she’s had a full day already. Murphy’s Law applies here, too: if it can go wrong, it will. And it probably has been going wrong since she first opened her eyes.
If a mama’s house is messy, assume she picks up constantly. Her sweet little tornadoes just follow behind her to undo all her efforts.
If her sink is full of dishes, assume it’s all from this morning alone. Because, of course, they didn’t like the first few things they begged for, so she’s a full sink in by breakfast.
If there’s laundry covering the floor, assume it was already washed and folded before the kids started throwing it around.
If a mama seems fatigued or frazzled, you can safely assume she knows it. Offer up those generous remarks about her radiance, her glow, her patience; this is one of those times when kindness is far more important than raw truth.
If her child is misbehaving, assume she has exhausted every possible resource to get him the help he needs. Assume she disciplines him perfectly. And that she shows him the exact right amount of love and support.
If you wonder how you can help her, just assume TIME is the most precious commodity. She’s not asking for anything fancy. She just needs sleep, or an hour or two to binge some saucy TV, or to read a good book, or to relax with a hot stone massage and a pedi. Whatever makes her feel most like herself, not just like a mama… that’s what she needs. And you can help by giving your time.
When a mama says no to joining or helping or doing or being, assume her plate is far fuller than you understand. Assume she’s already at her maximum mental and emotional capacity.
And when she flakes out on her friends, assume she’s just as disappointed. Know that she really wants to be there, but whatever it is… even if it’s just that she’s lost the energy to put on real pants… it’s tough. Every bit of what she goes through, giving of herself endlessly, it’s tough. And she needs her friends now more than ever. So always and forever, assume she still wants to be invited.
At the end of the day, just know it’s okay to assume the best of a mama.
